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TV GUIDE

What the nickelodeon is going on around here?!” I’m with you on that James because from the first few moments of the show I thought I knew who was going home tonight. It never even crossed my mind that Ozzy, the all-star of Survivor All-Stars would not make it, at least, to final four. It’s not like we haven’t watched week after week as castaways plotted to take him out and then backed away from their coup. Why should this week be any different? (Because Cirie finally turned her sights on Ozzy, that’s why, but we’ll get to that later.)

So much happened tonight I’m not sure how they crammed it all in with, what must have been a good 45 minutes of the show, focused on Erik. Let’s see, Erik eats lunch in the presence of topless Micronesian women. Erik drinks some lumpy, milky beer. Erik chews beetle nuts. Erik throws up. Weren’t we all about to? Was there no one else at the reward feast? Oh, right. Ozzy was there, beaming like a proud papa as he watched “naive” Erik’s horizons broaden.

Then there was Jason and the immunity challenge. Hold you hand above your head or you’ll be splashed in paint, was it, from the bucket tethered above and eliminated. I meant to focus on Jason for a moment, but I have to gripe about Cirie and Erik bowing out after 20 minutes for a bowl of gummy worms. This is immunity people! Nevermind that half of you had just come back from a feast. I can just hear the internal monologue, “Jeff’s offering up chocolate doughnuts. I gotta get me some of that!” The hell, Ozzy?!

You know, “Ozzy’s not the only God-like person who can win in this game.” Or so says Jason who, six-and-a-half hours later, was the last man standing next to Parvati and facing an offer all crossed-fingers said he should not take: A basket full of goodies for the tribe if he bowed out and let Parvati win immunity. My Spidey Senses were screaming, “Stupid move!” but that could have been because I knew everyone was lying. At least Jason extracted a grudging promise from them that they would not vote him out and voila! Parvati was sitting pretty — or smugly, take your pick.

Parvati swears she is running the show, yet she needs to take a lesson from Cirie. Why these people let Cirie have time to herself to think on Exile Island is beyond me. She’s a planner people. Cirie came back to camp looking for an opportunity to suggest taking out Ozzy and what happened…? I rest my case. The woman is good.

In the middle of all of this we see the emergence of a subplot: Worker-bee James vs. Queen Bee Parvati. Where has the love gone? His crack o’ dawn machete wielding matched with her sunrise annoyance spelled drama down the lane. Thank goodness it wasn’t the kind that involved James hacking off a limb ‘cuz I was wee bit worried ‘bout that.

It did, however, involve Parvati stabbing James in the back. All that was missing was her spinning around and slicing off his head Highlander style. Parvati is in this to win this. She hooked up with all the women except “best friend” Amanda and sided with Jason to blindside Ozzy.

That wouldn’t have happened had Ozzy, who had earlier expounded on the reason the Favorites were, indeed, favorites, followed the established steps to lasting in this game. 1) Don’t rave about the food you devoured at your reward feast to your poor, starving tribemates back at camp. 2) Never feel secure. Ever. 3) Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line – no, wait… 3. Never not play the idol when your neck is on the line. Granted, that last one is hard to figure out, but it bears saying.

All season Ozzy’s acolytes have tried to best him. It’s fitting, then, that in this case the student became the teacher, but I sure am glad I wasn’t on the receiving end of Ozzy’s death stare. He seemed little pissed off. A blindsiding will do that to a person as will having Eliza sitting on the jury gesticulating like mad at one's demise. I worry for Jason’s safety should he be the next to fall.

To wrap this up I wish I could make James’ doughnut philosophy fit the situation. I can’t, but I must quote it anyway and maybe even tattoo it across my shoulder blades. “Just because you’ve gotten on everybody’s nerves doesn’t mean a doughnut’s going to make it better. You really can’t expect to appease everybody over a doughnut. So, if you tempt somebody with a doughnut and they say, “Hell yeah, sure!” they might just want the d-mn doughnut.”

So long Ozzy. I hope that doughnut was worth it.

Next week will the Powerpuff girls make their move and ride James’ “girl power” fears to victory? Can anyone name the creek that Amanda is up? And will Erik need therapy now that his mentor is gone?